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FrontRangeLiving.com -> Family/Health -> Marriage
 High Altitude Marriage Workshops: No More Hollywood Sunsets; it’s truly a work
of art
By Heather Grimshaw
"I always recommend working as a couple," says Ruth Morehouse,
Ph.D., co-director of The Marriage & Family Center in Evergreen. "Even
if the issue is individual, like low self-esteem or insecurity, the context of
couples therapy is important. Your partner keeps you honest, provides an
accurate picture of you, and sees you taking an issue on. It promotes respect
between partners."
The seven-year itch is alive and well in the Front Range as is the
seven-month revelation, the 14-year separation, and the 28-year divorce. There
is, it seems, something to be said for sevens. And while there are no magic
bullets for a healthy marriage, partners who roll-up their sleeves and invest
time for fun, friendship, frank discussion, and fevered passion may sidestep the
pitfalls of divorce, say marriage counselors in the Front Range.
"There are definitely cycles when it comes to the frequency of
divorce," says Carolee Nimmer, Ph.D., with Kaiser Permanente in Denver.
Infatuation wears off, sexual boredom sets in, communication problems develop,
and kids deliver a whole new set of issues. But most therapists attribute high
divorce rates to unrealistic expectations. Most couples don’t expect their
marriage to be work; they don’t expect to have problems.
"There’s not much understanding of what a long-term relationship looks
like," says Carolee.
From intimacy issues to emotional turmoil, disagreements over financial
issues, and arguments over the household division of labor, couples grapple with
weighty issues that can, if not addressed, end marriages. But once in therapy
husbands and wives realize that all couples struggle with different issues. And
after group meetings couples often walk away whispering: "Wow, and we
thought we had trouble," say therapists.
"Ebbs and flows in a relationship are normal," Carolee says.
"It [marriage] isn’t like the movies. Why do you think most movies end
when couples get married?"
My theory? Daily realities dampen the romantic spirit. Bills to pay, families
to merge, chores to share, and inevitable compromises make marriage a
complicated ordeal. Yet the rewards of a good marriage are unparalleled, which
is why many couples across the Front Range are seeking couples therapy,
attending weekend enrichment programs, and participating in couples retreats.
Looking for Options
Local options abound. From spa environments and weekend retreats to HMO
settings and private practice, couples are investing in their relationships
and reassessing their roles in maintaining healthy marriages. Regardless of the
forum, couples are advised to address their problems early and together.
"I always recommend working as a couple," says Ruth Morehouse,
Ph.D., co-director of The Marriage & Family Center in Evergreen. "Even
if the issue is individual, like low self-esteem or insecurity, the context of
couples therapy is important. Your partner keeps you honest, provides an
accurate picture of you, and sees you taking an issue on. It promotes respect
between partners."
Before seeking therapy, counselors suggest that couples talk about goals,
specifically what each person wants to get out of the therapy, identify what
their issues are, and discuss how they want to proceed.
Couples therapy may vary in terms of approach but it is an intimate
experience whereas weekend retreats and seminar type environments appeal to men
and women who want to be exposed to common marital issues and given a time to
work independently.
Ranging from an HMO co-pay of $10 to $120 an hour or $2500 for a weekend
program, therapy is an expensive investment and a decision that – therapists
argue – should not be based upon dollar value. As one therapist says,
"How much is your marriage worth?"
Emphasizing that there is no quick fix to marital problems, therapists stress
the importance of finding the right counselor and suggest a series of questions
to ascertain compatibility.
Group Therapy or Private?
"Not all therapists are created equal," says Howard Markman, Ph.D.,
professor at the University of Denver who has spent 25 years researching marital
trends. "I strongly suggest – if people want to give their relationship
an edge – that they take advantage of research-based programs. We know that
group [therapy] settings work," he says. Research shows us that "it
leads to happier marriages and a decrease in divorce."
However, some couples prefer private therapy where they can work closely with
a therapist on their own issues.
When interviewing a therapist, ask about approach (Freud, Cognitive Behavior,
Humanism) and gauge his/her personal demeanor, says Marshall Colt, Ph.D.,
Advance Counseling, LLC in Denver. "Talk to the therapist. Does he/she
sound like they care? I get such a kick out of helping couples repair their
relationship." Yet he points out that the couple is the most important
element of the three-person team. "I can only do so much," says Colt,
who sees couples ranging in age from early 20s to late 60s. "It really
depends on the commitment, honesty, and courage of the couple and to tell the
truth, not everybody has that courage."
Colt, like many local therapists, uses the first meeting to share information
about his technique and identify what issues the couple wants to work on.
Couples are given homework or behavioral exercises to do at home and their
willingness to complete assignments is telling, says Colt.
"I always ask my patients where they are, [in the relationship]"
says Nimmer. "Often they have one foot out the door and what they really
want is divorce counseling. It’s much better to come in earlier when you’re
having minor problems. It’s harder to pull back from [long-standing] anger and
resentment," explains Nimmer, who helped design Kaiser’s couples therapy
program.
Members receive a questionnaire, have a meeting with a counselor, and are
referred to communications classes, individual therapy, or outside therapists.
"The questionnaire is an intervention in and of itself," she adds.
"It triggers them [members] to think about their own participation in the
relationship, what they’re doing to contribute to marital problems."
Morehouse also focuses on the individual with an emphasis on sexual and
intimacy issues. She interviews patients instead of using a questionnaire and
asks them, "What has brought you here?"
"We help each person look at ways he/she is limiting the
relationship," she says. "Real change is more likely to occur if you
focus on how you do things."
The Last Secrets
When interviewing therapists ask about their expertise and what their comfort
level is with sexual issues if that is an area of concern. Described by many
local therapists as a special skill, sexual training for therapists varies.
"One of the last secrets couples keep from themselves is how they feel
about themselves sexually," says Colt.
Morehouse not only agrees but also believes that sexual issues oftentimes
mask deeper issues of rejection, vulnerability, and a partner’s inability to
ask for what he/she desires. "[Patients] learn how to have a deeper
connection, improve emotional and sexual intimacy and connect with themselves
and their partners."
A member with diplomat status in the American Association of Sexual
Education, Morehouse frequently trains therapists on how to deal with sexual
issues and has had tremendous success with her patients. "We have a very
effective brand of therapy," she says. "Children send parents, parents
send children, and therapists send us their hard patients."
The Center offers Enrichment Weekends, Couples Retreats, Local Therapy, and
an Intense Therapy Program, which entails three hours of therapy four days in a
row.
"The intensity [of the Intense program] is what prompts change to
occur," she explains. "Couples confront themselves versus blaming the
other person. People tell us that it goes deeper into issues instead of just
addressing communication problems."
Seeking Pre-Marital Counseling
Communication is, however, one of the most popular complaints among couples
in the Front Range, say therapists, who advise couples to seek counseling early.
Pre-marital counseling, which is required by some churches, nips potential
problems in the bud for "forward-thinking people who want to get [started]
on the right foot," says Colt.
Markman describes pre-marital counseling as "prevention not
therapy". "It gives them an edge in developing healthy habits,"
he said.
Guidelines for effective therapy may vary but one steadfast rule, says Colt,
is that "therapists shouldn’t tell couples what to do. Good therapists
don’t give advice," he says. "They help couples do what they can to
help themselves. They help people find out what is in their best interests to
do."
Resources:
The Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, 5310 Belt Road NW, Washington, D.C. 20015-1961;
www.smartmarriages.com.
D. Truman Parker M.Div., M.R.E.—Couples Workshops-PREP (Prevention and
Relationship Enhancement Program), Windsor, 80550; 970-674-1662; e-mail: alrc1@cybercell.net.
Katherine Koselka-Robredo LCSW—Couples Research, Workshop, Colorado Springs, 80918; 719-531-9211, e-mail
robredo@earthlink.net.
Marshall Colt, Ph.D., Advance Counseling, LLC, Denver; 303-399-5555; www.advance-counseling-denver-boulder.com.
PREP Inc. (Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program)—Couples Research, Workshops, P.O. Box 102530, Denver, 80250 or 1780 South Bellaire, Suite 520, Denver,
80222; 303-759-9931.
Ruth Morehouse, Ph.D., The Marriage & Family Center, Evergreen;
303-670-2630; www.passionatemarriage.com.
Helpful website about finding the right therapist in the Prevention and
Relationship Enhancement Program. This program is designed to facilitate
communication within a relationship. Some programs have a religiously oriented
approach: www.prepinc.com/main/about_therapy.asp.
Books:
Getting the Love You Want, Harville Hendrix, Ph.D.
The Good Marriage, Judith S. Wallerstein, Sandra Blakeslee.
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